i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I did not marry a roomba.
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