Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
