I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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