listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
