if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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