if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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