don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
this hospital has no fireball
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
