The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
