Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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