I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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