i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
