the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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