im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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