Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
