I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
