I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
