What did we do last night that was yellow?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
