so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
