Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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