listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
