im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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