my mouth tastes like poor choices
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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