It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
