You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
