1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
