This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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