Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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