you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
