You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
