Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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