My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We were destined to go to rehab together
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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