I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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