So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
