so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
