i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
