proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
