sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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