Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
