Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
