I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
