Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
