I met the friendliest cop last night
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
