R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
