Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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