But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
