oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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