She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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