I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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