I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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