My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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