This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
