I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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