i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
